I hate when ministry gets hard. More than anything in life, I hate when ministry becomes bogged down with legalism, gossip, untruths, and when Satan uses those things to attack an entire group of people who started out with the intention of doing kingdom things.
This is where I'm at right now. I'm stuck in a situation where Satan has used and is continuing to use the people in my campus ministry to tear each other down, gossip about each other, turn on one another, among other things. It just sucks. This is not what ministry is about! It's frustrating to watch as we cowar under the attack of the one who has ALREADY BEEN DEFEATED!!!! We fight FROM victory, not FOR victory. We already won this battle, so when will we say enough is enough to Satan and send him packing!? When will we realize that Satan WANTS us to leave when things get tough. He WANTS us to cowar under his evil schemes. He LOVES when we turn our backs on eachother. He is crafty in the ways he attacks. He LOVES division. He made deceit. He gets joy from gossip. And he gets points when we allow him to have a foothold....
Let's get serious ladies and gentleman. There is a spiritual battle raging at this very moment. What is it going to take for us to stand up, take notice, and tell Satan that enough is enough!? The time is now....let's do it already....
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Life Is But A Breath, Don't Waste It
This past week has been one of many different emotions for the campus of Illinois State University, following the death of one of our peers in a train accident near campus. One of the students here was on his way to class and was hit by an Amtrak train, killing him and leaving the community with many unanswered questions about why it happened? Did he not see it? Etc.... You can imagine the rumors, the speculation, and the genuine sadness that is being felt by his family, peers, and even people who didn't know him at all.
I'm one of those people. I have no idea who he is, never seen him, run into him, spoke with him, etc., but I cannot get him out of my head. With every train whistle he comes to my mind and I'm absolutely heartbroken. Why is it? Is it the idea that I'm completely shocked by the tragedy? Yes...it is. But more than that, I'm struck with the idea that just like that, in an instant he was faced with eternity. He woke up that morning and had no idea what was going to happen to him that day and in a literal instant he was faced with the very real idea of eternity.
Now I have no idea where this guy stood spiritually, but I just know that it makes me want to share Jesus' love with every single person I meet. I hope that He knew the Lord, but if he did not, what if someone would have shared the gospel with him? We have no idea how the Lord could have worked in His life! So why don't we do it more often!? Life is so fragile. Not even just in the idea of sharing the gospel, but just realizing that OUR life is so fragile as well. That could have easily been me who walked over those tracks at the wrong time and faced with eternity. What would people be saying about me when I was gone? Will I have made an impact on my peers? Not just an impact of "Oh Amanda was a nice person..." But one that more importantly has an impact on the Kingdom! I want to leave an impact on this campus for Christ. I want people to know where I stand. I stand in Christ and Christ alone. I want every single person on this campus to know that and to more importantly understand that they too can stand in Christ alone as well. I want to leave this campus with no regrets. I want to know that I did what I could to reach lost students for Christ. I want every student to get the chance to hear and respond to the gospel. If not the gospel, then at least be able to tell that Christ lives within me and that my actions would reflect that to the people I come in contact with. That I would love the girls on my floor, that I would tell them to have a good day when I see them in the bathroom, that I would compliment someone in the elevator, that I would BE Jesus to the people I meet so that I know that I lived my life with no regrets.
So, no, I may not have ever met this student whose life we now look back on as a memory, but I do know that he has changed my life. I stand in Christ and Christ alone, and I live to speak of His fame to ANYONE and EVERYONE I meet. I will live my life with no regrets and live it for Kingdom things, that every student would know.....
I'm one of those people. I have no idea who he is, never seen him, run into him, spoke with him, etc., but I cannot get him out of my head. With every train whistle he comes to my mind and I'm absolutely heartbroken. Why is it? Is it the idea that I'm completely shocked by the tragedy? Yes...it is. But more than that, I'm struck with the idea that just like that, in an instant he was faced with eternity. He woke up that morning and had no idea what was going to happen to him that day and in a literal instant he was faced with the very real idea of eternity.
Now I have no idea where this guy stood spiritually, but I just know that it makes me want to share Jesus' love with every single person I meet. I hope that He knew the Lord, but if he did not, what if someone would have shared the gospel with him? We have no idea how the Lord could have worked in His life! So why don't we do it more often!? Life is so fragile. Not even just in the idea of sharing the gospel, but just realizing that OUR life is so fragile as well. That could have easily been me who walked over those tracks at the wrong time and faced with eternity. What would people be saying about me when I was gone? Will I have made an impact on my peers? Not just an impact of "Oh Amanda was a nice person..." But one that more importantly has an impact on the Kingdom! I want to leave an impact on this campus for Christ. I want people to know where I stand. I stand in Christ and Christ alone. I want every single person on this campus to know that and to more importantly understand that they too can stand in Christ alone as well. I want to leave this campus with no regrets. I want to know that I did what I could to reach lost students for Christ. I want every student to get the chance to hear and respond to the gospel. If not the gospel, then at least be able to tell that Christ lives within me and that my actions would reflect that to the people I come in contact with. That I would love the girls on my floor, that I would tell them to have a good day when I see them in the bathroom, that I would compliment someone in the elevator, that I would BE Jesus to the people I meet so that I know that I lived my life with no regrets.
So, no, I may not have ever met this student whose life we now look back on as a memory, but I do know that he has changed my life. I stand in Christ and Christ alone, and I live to speak of His fame to ANYONE and EVERYONE I meet. I will live my life with no regrets and live it for Kingdom things, that every student would know.....
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Chasing Jerusalem
Lately I've been spending a lot of time looking at the life and ministry of Jesus through the gospel accounts. Mainly my thoughts have been focused on the gospel of John, as Campus Crusade is studying that as a group this semester. However, this past Sunday, I got the chance to do something I don't normally get to do, and attend the college service of Eastview Christian Church, Fuel. Fuel is one of the most thriving college ministries in the area, drawing hundreds of students from the Normal area, and I love it! Brandon Grant, the college pastor, is one of the most dynamic speakers I have ever listend to, and really draws you in with his passion and insight. This week was no exception.
As we dove into the scriptures, we took a look at the life of Jesus through the eyes of Luke. As we looked at Jesus, we discussed the idea of how Jesus was put on this earth for a purpose, to do the work the Father sent Him to do, and ultimately in the end be our sacrifice. That's it. His whole life was dedicated to His people and then showing His ultimate love, dying on the cross for the very same people. He was chasing after Jerusalem. We talked about what it must have been like for Him. He was the most popular and talked about guy of the time. People knew Him. I guess you could say He was a pretty Big Deal. People quickly got wind of who He was, Healer, Lover, Friend, Miracle Worker. EVERYONE wanted attention from Him. Imagine what it must have been like for Him!! Everyone was vying for the attention of Him. Now obviously Jesus couldn't heal everyone who asked Him to. He had to turn people down. Is this the Jesus you always picture? It wasn't for me, and to quite honest was challenging for me to think about. However, He was chasing after Jerusalem, the reason why He was on the Earth to begin with. He was on a mission, to fulfill the purpose He was called to. He couldn't be distracted. He spent the time He was given carefully and in accordance with the will of His Father.
This got me thinking, what is my Jerusalem? What is the purpose that the Father has put me on Earth for? Am I being too distracted by the demands of everyday life to hear the voice of God telling me of my Jerusalem?
If you know me, you know that this semester is totally crazy for me. I have a TON going on, and I have asked for prayer numerous times that I would be able to handle what is demanded of me and not spread myself too thin, but isn't that what's wrong!? We are so distracted and refuse to say "no" as Jesus sometimes did in order to figure out our true Jerusalem in our lives. At Fuel we were challenged to figure out what our Jerusalem was and seriously pray to it's realization. Mother Theresa's Jerusalem was loving people, Martin Luther King's Jerusalem was ending racism, etc, etc.
The more I think and pray about it, I feel like my Jerusalem is loving and ministering to students. I have a heart and desire to invest the life the Lord has given me to having students be my Jerusalem. It's a crazy thing to think about just 7 months shy of graduating from college. The beginning of the rest of my life starts now. How will I spend my time? How will I spend my life? Will it make a difference? Will I have the discernment necessary to say yes when it counts and no when it doesn't? What is my TRUE Jerusalem?
What is your true Jerusalem? Search it out, chase after it, and pray to it's realization....
As we dove into the scriptures, we took a look at the life of Jesus through the eyes of Luke. As we looked at Jesus, we discussed the idea of how Jesus was put on this earth for a purpose, to do the work the Father sent Him to do, and ultimately in the end be our sacrifice. That's it. His whole life was dedicated to His people and then showing His ultimate love, dying on the cross for the very same people. He was chasing after Jerusalem. We talked about what it must have been like for Him. He was the most popular and talked about guy of the time. People knew Him. I guess you could say He was a pretty Big Deal. People quickly got wind of who He was, Healer, Lover, Friend, Miracle Worker. EVERYONE wanted attention from Him. Imagine what it must have been like for Him!! Everyone was vying for the attention of Him. Now obviously Jesus couldn't heal everyone who asked Him to. He had to turn people down. Is this the Jesus you always picture? It wasn't for me, and to quite honest was challenging for me to think about. However, He was chasing after Jerusalem, the reason why He was on the Earth to begin with. He was on a mission, to fulfill the purpose He was called to. He couldn't be distracted. He spent the time He was given carefully and in accordance with the will of His Father.
This got me thinking, what is my Jerusalem? What is the purpose that the Father has put me on Earth for? Am I being too distracted by the demands of everyday life to hear the voice of God telling me of my Jerusalem?
If you know me, you know that this semester is totally crazy for me. I have a TON going on, and I have asked for prayer numerous times that I would be able to handle what is demanded of me and not spread myself too thin, but isn't that what's wrong!? We are so distracted and refuse to say "no" as Jesus sometimes did in order to figure out our true Jerusalem in our lives. At Fuel we were challenged to figure out what our Jerusalem was and seriously pray to it's realization. Mother Theresa's Jerusalem was loving people, Martin Luther King's Jerusalem was ending racism, etc, etc.
The more I think and pray about it, I feel like my Jerusalem is loving and ministering to students. I have a heart and desire to invest the life the Lord has given me to having students be my Jerusalem. It's a crazy thing to think about just 7 months shy of graduating from college. The beginning of the rest of my life starts now. How will I spend my time? How will I spend my life? Will it make a difference? Will I have the discernment necessary to say yes when it counts and no when it doesn't? What is my TRUE Jerusalem?
What is your true Jerusalem? Search it out, chase after it, and pray to it's realization....
Thursday, September 6, 2007
The Day the Music Died
I'm a music lover. If you know me, you know that my idea of a good time is sitting at my computer with a cup of coffee while searching for new and random bands on either Myspace or PureVolume. I love the talent, thought, sincerity, and the sheer rawness of lyrics. There is, in my mind, nothing more intriguing than getting a glimpse at someone through the lyrics they write. Someone who writes lyrics is writing them because the lyrics mean something to them. The words they are writing are more than just words. They are perhaps a look into someone's private life, an expression of how they feel after an amazing day, the sheer daze of new love, the thoughts they have on life and all that comes with it, or maybe even a cry for help. No matter what though, the person writes them because in that moment they are expressing how they feel in arguably one of the most raw and surrendered forms.
The same is true for Christians. We sing worship songs to our God to express our love to Him, our abandonment, our struggles, our gratitude, our sheer amazement at Him and His works, among other things. In the moments we spend in musical worship to our God, we are, just like a writer of lyrics, expressing our thoughts and feeling towards God in the most raw form. Or are we? Do we even think about the words we are singing? Or are we too wrapped up in the sweet guitar riffs, whether or not there is the use of drums or not, whether the music accompanying our heart songs to our Creator is to our liking or not?
Recent circumstances have lead me to believe that corporate worship has totally distorted our view of what real, raw, genuine worship really is. Too often when people think worship, they think music and song. It is so much more than that! It can be words you speak to people, the work you do on a daily basis, the way you talk to people, ANYTHING pleasing to our God! It frustrates me when people get uptight about music and whether or not the worship services they attend and the music behind the lyrics to the songs they sing "ushers them into worship." Don't get me wrong, I do totally believe that a person can be ushered into worship depending on the types of music being played in a worship service, it just frustrates me when the music becomes a hindrance and distraction to genuine worship.
Tonight at a worship service I attended, the sound system decided not to work and the lead guitarists string broke. When he realized it, he tried to play the strings he had left in an attempt to keep the worship service going. It ended up just sounding distorted and awful, until finally he looked at the guitar, then shrugged his shoulders, looked towards the sky and closed his eyes in surrender to the Lord. Around the room the singing kept on in the most beautiful acapella voice, people were lifting their hands towards Heaven, and had eyes closed in focus of God. No one even cared or realized what was going on. It was to me, one of the most amazing and beautiful times of worship I have ever experienced. There was no music, no sound system, no fancy lights or glitz, just God's children offering their voices and hearts to the one that created them.
What I'm trying to get at is, God doesn't care in what form you worship Him. He doesn't care whether or not there is a guitar, or drums, or tambourines, or clapping, or no clapping, or dancing, or hand raising or no hand raising. He cares about our hearts and whether or not the words we are singing and the ways we worship Him are genuine. I don't think broken sound systems and guitar strings are coincidental. I think that's God's way of telling us to pay attention. To realize that the lyrics we sing go far beyond music of any form. They are fragrant and cherished offerings to our Father, the ultimate audience.
The same is true for Christians. We sing worship songs to our God to express our love to Him, our abandonment, our struggles, our gratitude, our sheer amazement at Him and His works, among other things. In the moments we spend in musical worship to our God, we are, just like a writer of lyrics, expressing our thoughts and feeling towards God in the most raw form. Or are we? Do we even think about the words we are singing? Or are we too wrapped up in the sweet guitar riffs, whether or not there is the use of drums or not, whether the music accompanying our heart songs to our Creator is to our liking or not?
Recent circumstances have lead me to believe that corporate worship has totally distorted our view of what real, raw, genuine worship really is. Too often when people think worship, they think music and song. It is so much more than that! It can be words you speak to people, the work you do on a daily basis, the way you talk to people, ANYTHING pleasing to our God! It frustrates me when people get uptight about music and whether or not the worship services they attend and the music behind the lyrics to the songs they sing "ushers them into worship." Don't get me wrong, I do totally believe that a person can be ushered into worship depending on the types of music being played in a worship service, it just frustrates me when the music becomes a hindrance and distraction to genuine worship.
Tonight at a worship service I attended, the sound system decided not to work and the lead guitarists string broke. When he realized it, he tried to play the strings he had left in an attempt to keep the worship service going. It ended up just sounding distorted and awful, until finally he looked at the guitar, then shrugged his shoulders, looked towards the sky and closed his eyes in surrender to the Lord. Around the room the singing kept on in the most beautiful acapella voice, people were lifting their hands towards Heaven, and had eyes closed in focus of God. No one even cared or realized what was going on. It was to me, one of the most amazing and beautiful times of worship I have ever experienced. There was no music, no sound system, no fancy lights or glitz, just God's children offering their voices and hearts to the one that created them.
What I'm trying to get at is, God doesn't care in what form you worship Him. He doesn't care whether or not there is a guitar, or drums, or tambourines, or clapping, or no clapping, or dancing, or hand raising or no hand raising. He cares about our hearts and whether or not the words we are singing and the ways we worship Him are genuine. I don't think broken sound systems and guitar strings are coincidental. I think that's God's way of telling us to pay attention. To realize that the lyrics we sing go far beyond music of any form. They are fragrant and cherished offerings to our Father, the ultimate audience.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Belief Makes Things Real
Before I had this blog, I used to blog things on my Xanga. Nothing usually of too much importance. Just mostly the details of my days through my early years of college, with an occasional "deep" thought or two thrown in every once in awhile. I haven't checked my Xanga since like October (there was a time when I would check multiple times a day to see who commented on my posts) but tonight I went back and read through some of my old entries just for fun. In doing so, I came acrossed an entry from last summer, where I had written about how astounded I was in the amount of money raised in such a short time for the new student ministry building at NCBC. At that point in time, a student ministry building at NCBC was just a thought. A mere blue print and congregational business meeting farther than the dream that it sprang from.
Tonight was the first night of our vacation Bible school, and as I sat in the very building that I talked about just a year ago with high hopes, I was completely amazed. Granted, it was so hot, the building is nothing more than boards with a roof over them and some windows, it was dusty, and very far from being complete, but still....it was a dream. A dream that started with people who believe in students and the ministry they are a part of. It's so crazy for me to think about how much has happened in the year since the congragational vote approved to build the building. At the end of last summer, I was leaving behind the junior high ministry, going to college, and taking a break from student ministry for awhile because the commute back from school was seemingly "impossible." However, God proved otherwise and has blown me away with giving me a position with the high school students this past year.
You see, my passion is students. I believe in them so much. Not just in who they will become, but who they are at this very moment in their lives. For me it's not about them being the future of the church. They ARE the church, and in my opinion the very essence of the body of Christ. It does my heart so much good to see them engaging with who God is, what it means to be a part of His kingdom, and what plans He has for them not only in their own lives but in the ways their lives will touch others around them. I just love thinking about the fact that I was a student just like them not all that long ago. Thank God people believed in me and the things I could do in God's kingdom, otherwise I don't know where I would be right now! Thank God the people at New Castle believe in students as well. I look forward to the years to come and the students who walk out of that building, and the ways the world will be different because they were believed in.
Tonight was the first night of our vacation Bible school, and as I sat in the very building that I talked about just a year ago with high hopes, I was completely amazed. Granted, it was so hot, the building is nothing more than boards with a roof over them and some windows, it was dusty, and very far from being complete, but still....it was a dream. A dream that started with people who believe in students and the ministry they are a part of. It's so crazy for me to think about how much has happened in the year since the congragational vote approved to build the building. At the end of last summer, I was leaving behind the junior high ministry, going to college, and taking a break from student ministry for awhile because the commute back from school was seemingly "impossible." However, God proved otherwise and has blown me away with giving me a position with the high school students this past year.
You see, my passion is students. I believe in them so much. Not just in who they will become, but who they are at this very moment in their lives. For me it's not about them being the future of the church. They ARE the church, and in my opinion the very essence of the body of Christ. It does my heart so much good to see them engaging with who God is, what it means to be a part of His kingdom, and what plans He has for them not only in their own lives but in the ways their lives will touch others around them. I just love thinking about the fact that I was a student just like them not all that long ago. Thank God people believed in me and the things I could do in God's kingdom, otherwise I don't know where I would be right now! Thank God the people at New Castle believe in students as well. I look forward to the years to come and the students who walk out of that building, and the ways the world will be different because they were believed in.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Garth Brooks and God's Timing
Since coming home this past weekend, I have had tons of oppurtunities to reunite with my friends from home and catch up on all of the happenings of the summer. Last night was no exception. My best friend Emily and I ended up hanging out and talking until 3 am about anything and everything, including reminiscing about our high school days and the fun we had with our group of friends, where we think everyone will end up, etc.
At one point in our conversation, we started talking about situations in our life that we for sure thought we had figured out and prayed about for so long, only to find out that God had completely different plans for us. We began talking about one point in our life where we both were going through similar situations and how much we prayed about it and were convinced God was so with us in the plans we were making for ourselves, only to be totally disappointed when He basically slammed the door right in our face. I then made a comment about how at one point I had prayed about a situation I was convinced was right for me for almost 2 years until God showed me why it could never work. As we both kinda talked over that for awhile, I became so thankful that God lead me out of that situation. SO THANKFUL! I then told Emily that it's just like that song by Garth Brooks. Now, don't go getting all "she's so back woods" on me yet. Just hear me out.... I don't know how many of you have ever heard that song, "Unaswered Prayers," but if you haven't, look it up, download it (legally of course), buy the CD, something. It's basically about this guy who ends up at a hometown football game with his wife and sees his old high school girlfriend there and as the song progresses, he talks about how thankful he is that he is with his wife instead of his high school girlfriend. The part of the song that is so great is the chorus. It goes, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs...just because he doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unaswered prayers." I've been thinking about this the past 24 hours and it just came up again in another conversation with a friend about how happy we are looking back on situations that God lead us out of when we thought they were so the right thing for us.
I think God is really trying to break me of this really bad habit I have of trying to plan out my life and conniving and maneuvering myself into a position to succeed according to my standards and not His. It's been a hard lesson to learn. There has been a lot of pain and initial hurt that has come along with it, but there is always, always a lesson to be learned out of it as well. I'm learning to embrace the beauty and the mystery that it is to let God take the wheel. As my mom would say, "When you let God drive, you better buckle up." That's so true. Why do I think I need to "help" him plan my life? Why do I think I need to tell him where I'll work? Why do I think I need to tell him who "the one" for me is? Why do I think I need to tell him how and where I'm going to get the money to pay off my college debt!? He has it under control, and when I let go and let God, I am NEVER let down. I'm always pleasanlty surprised and it's such a beautiful thing. God has his divine hand in EVERY aspect of ALL of our lives. It's time to live amongst the unaswered prayers in our lives and embrace what it means for us to live fully in His plan.
At one point in our conversation, we started talking about situations in our life that we for sure thought we had figured out and prayed about for so long, only to find out that God had completely different plans for us. We began talking about one point in our life where we both were going through similar situations and how much we prayed about it and were convinced God was so with us in the plans we were making for ourselves, only to be totally disappointed when He basically slammed the door right in our face. I then made a comment about how at one point I had prayed about a situation I was convinced was right for me for almost 2 years until God showed me why it could never work. As we both kinda talked over that for awhile, I became so thankful that God lead me out of that situation. SO THANKFUL! I then told Emily that it's just like that song by Garth Brooks. Now, don't go getting all "she's so back woods" on me yet. Just hear me out.... I don't know how many of you have ever heard that song, "Unaswered Prayers," but if you haven't, look it up, download it (legally of course), buy the CD, something. It's basically about this guy who ends up at a hometown football game with his wife and sees his old high school girlfriend there and as the song progresses, he talks about how thankful he is that he is with his wife instead of his high school girlfriend. The part of the song that is so great is the chorus. It goes, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs...just because he doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unaswered prayers." I've been thinking about this the past 24 hours and it just came up again in another conversation with a friend about how happy we are looking back on situations that God lead us out of when we thought they were so the right thing for us.
I think God is really trying to break me of this really bad habit I have of trying to plan out my life and conniving and maneuvering myself into a position to succeed according to my standards and not His. It's been a hard lesson to learn. There has been a lot of pain and initial hurt that has come along with it, but there is always, always a lesson to be learned out of it as well. I'm learning to embrace the beauty and the mystery that it is to let God take the wheel. As my mom would say, "When you let God drive, you better buckle up." That's so true. Why do I think I need to "help" him plan my life? Why do I think I need to tell him where I'll work? Why do I think I need to tell him who "the one" for me is? Why do I think I need to tell him how and where I'm going to get the money to pay off my college debt!? He has it under control, and when I let go and let God, I am NEVER let down. I'm always pleasanlty surprised and it's such a beautiful thing. God has his divine hand in EVERY aspect of ALL of our lives. It's time to live amongst the unaswered prayers in our lives and embrace what it means for us to live fully in His plan.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
I Will Never Be the Same
In just a little over 48 hours I will be packing my stuff up and heading back home after arguably one of the BEST summers I have ever had. As I'm winding down with my internship, saying goodbye to friends, creating my portfolio for my class, etc. There have been a lot of questions asked of me: Are you sad to go? Are you ready for school to start? What was your favorite part of this summer? What did you learn that will be valuable for you after graduation? What do you think you will do after graduation? While all of these questions are good, and I appreciate the enquiry of friends and family, I think it's fair to say that what I have come away with after this summer cannot and will not ever be able to be summed up in just these typical random questions.
The things that I've taken away from this summer have changed me as a person. They have challenged the way I think, the way I live, the way I see myself, the way I treat people, and have taught me about the woman I'm becoming and want to ultimately be.
I know in my previous post I talked about how ready I was to come here and be changed and I expected that to happen. I knew and expected God to move in my life and change me while I was here, but to be honest was not looking forward to leaving this amazing experience and facing what I had left at school the previous semester. At our final staff celebration at Merge last week I shared some of this and shared that each person in that room had shown me a little bit more about who I am and what I want to become, and I totally mean that. I have realized through people I work with, people I've become friends with, and ultimately through God, what my purpose in His kingdom is and how he is shaping me into a woman He is going to use to further it.
I was asked in an email this past week from a friend where I thought I would be at this time next year. For the first time in my life I honestly couldn't answer the question. For the first time ever I am completely open to whatever the Lord may have for me and to be quite honest that's a scary feeling and realization. All I know is that I want so badly to be in His will and to be completely and utterly transformed by His power in my life. I want to be a woman who lives with wreckless faith and abandonment to His will, whether that means surrendering my future plans, my dream job, who I'll marry, etc. I want it all in His hands.
So, am I sad to see this end? Yes. Am I sad to leave the people I've met? OF COURSE! Am I ready for the upcoming school year? Absolutely. Where do you think you'll be after graduation? I have no idea, and I'm ready for God to show me. What have you taken away from your internship this summer? Things that have changed my life. I will never be the same.
The things that I've taken away from this summer have changed me as a person. They have challenged the way I think, the way I live, the way I see myself, the way I treat people, and have taught me about the woman I'm becoming and want to ultimately be.
I know in my previous post I talked about how ready I was to come here and be changed and I expected that to happen. I knew and expected God to move in my life and change me while I was here, but to be honest was not looking forward to leaving this amazing experience and facing what I had left at school the previous semester. At our final staff celebration at Merge last week I shared some of this and shared that each person in that room had shown me a little bit more about who I am and what I want to become, and I totally mean that. I have realized through people I work with, people I've become friends with, and ultimately through God, what my purpose in His kingdom is and how he is shaping me into a woman He is going to use to further it.
I was asked in an email this past week from a friend where I thought I would be at this time next year. For the first time in my life I honestly couldn't answer the question. For the first time ever I am completely open to whatever the Lord may have for me and to be quite honest that's a scary feeling and realization. All I know is that I want so badly to be in His will and to be completely and utterly transformed by His power in my life. I want to be a woman who lives with wreckless faith and abandonment to His will, whether that means surrendering my future plans, my dream job, who I'll marry, etc. I want it all in His hands.
So, am I sad to see this end? Yes. Am I sad to leave the people I've met? OF COURSE! Am I ready for the upcoming school year? Absolutely. Where do you think you'll be after graduation? I have no idea, and I'm ready for God to show me. What have you taken away from your internship this summer? Things that have changed my life. I will never be the same.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Solitude and Realization
I feel like the solitude and challenge of this summer has been exactly what my soul has needed for quite some time. The last half of last semester was arguably one of the absolute worst times of my entire life for many different reasons. I was so ready to get to the suburbs, start my internship, and deal with God in some areas of my life and get things figured out for myself. I needed time to heal, to be away from everyone and everything and just....be.
Over the course of the last 6 or so weeks, I have learned what it means to rest in, trust in, and set my sites on things that actually matter. I have been filled to the brim with joy that can only come from my Heavenly Father after a time when I didn't know if I would ever feel that same joy again. I have learned what it means to be reliant on Him and Him alone in EVERY situation, not just the ones where I am found desperate. I have experienced a peace and a calmness in my heart over issues and challenges that I thought I could and would never come to terms with. I have experienced just a taste of an amazing intimacy with a Savior who has stood by me through all of this with open arms.
But through all of this I have come to realize that I have been the most selfish person. I have made everything "my issues" "my feelings" "my heart" "my drama" "my emotions" "my life," when none of this matters in the end anyways. After Awake this past weekend, our Junior High event, I have learned that the Christian life and just life in general is about so much more than me. In fact it's not about me at all. It's about living a life that is worthy of the title, "Christian" or "Little Christ." It's about loving those around me with a love similar to that of the Father. It's about dying children and families in Africa who have been struck by the AIDS epidemic. It's about millions all over the world who still, to this day are bound by the chains of slavery. It's about the largest genocide in human history taking place in Darfur. It's about lost friends and family that I see everyday and don't say a word about Christ to. It's about 200 junior high students dancing and praising God for the wonderful works He has done in their lives. It's about the youth of today rising up and bringing justice, peace, and love to a lost and dying world. It's about becoming a woman who lives life with wreckless abandonment and child like faith. It's about being worthy of the title "Child of God." It's about being content with who He has made me to be, and using that to accomplish great things and further His kingdom.
It never should have been about me, and I hope it never is again....
Over the course of the last 6 or so weeks, I have learned what it means to rest in, trust in, and set my sites on things that actually matter. I have been filled to the brim with joy that can only come from my Heavenly Father after a time when I didn't know if I would ever feel that same joy again. I have learned what it means to be reliant on Him and Him alone in EVERY situation, not just the ones where I am found desperate. I have experienced a peace and a calmness in my heart over issues and challenges that I thought I could and would never come to terms with. I have experienced just a taste of an amazing intimacy with a Savior who has stood by me through all of this with open arms.
But through all of this I have come to realize that I have been the most selfish person. I have made everything "my issues" "my feelings" "my heart" "my drama" "my emotions" "my life," when none of this matters in the end anyways. After Awake this past weekend, our Junior High event, I have learned that the Christian life and just life in general is about so much more than me. In fact it's not about me at all. It's about living a life that is worthy of the title, "Christian" or "Little Christ." It's about loving those around me with a love similar to that of the Father. It's about dying children and families in Africa who have been struck by the AIDS epidemic. It's about millions all over the world who still, to this day are bound by the chains of slavery. It's about the largest genocide in human history taking place in Darfur. It's about lost friends and family that I see everyday and don't say a word about Christ to. It's about 200 junior high students dancing and praising God for the wonderful works He has done in their lives. It's about the youth of today rising up and bringing justice, peace, and love to a lost and dying world. It's about becoming a woman who lives life with wreckless abandonment and child like faith. It's about being worthy of the title "Child of God." It's about being content with who He has made me to be, and using that to accomplish great things and further His kingdom.
It never should have been about me, and I hope it never is again....
This Is New for Me.....
So, I've been a pretty avid blogger in the past. However, my blogging usually consisted of Xanga posting nightly about the happenings of my days all through my early years of college. I've decided that these days there are far too many thoughts running through my head then to just let them rot in my brain. I might as well share them in a more "sophisticated arena" such as this blogspot! I look forward to sharing my thoughts and dreams with you along the way!
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