God of the Nations

Three weeks from today I will be in the air, on my very first plane ride, going around the world, to a gypsy village in Romania to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a people who may not even know He exists. Wow. I have so many emotions getting ready for this trip it's unreal. I had the initial excitement and anticipation, but currently I am a.) terrified to fly, and b.) just beginning to realize what I am about to do.

Why has the Lord chosen me, a total scrub, to be the one to go? The reality of that is mind boggling to me. Out of all the people in the world who could go to Romania and do the very same thing, He has hand chosen, before we were even born, that the 130 of us would travel to Romania to be Jesus to a lost, outcast, and desolate population of people. I am in awe.

I know I am so unprepared for what I am about to encounter and the reality of that is just hitting me. I have never ever experienced the extremity of the poverty I will encounter, the lack of hope I will encounter, the filth, the unjustice, or the screaming outcries of a population so desperately in need of a Savior, a Lover, a Friend, or a Comforter.

When I think about the children there, with parents who are just children themselves at 9-12 years old, who are left abandoned, abused, and neglected- my heart just aches. I know the picture I have in my mind at this moment, is not even close to what I will encounter, and yet I am still in awe that I get the privilege to experience it all.

I have nothing in common with a gypsy. I have no idea what their life is like, no idea what it's like to live like they do, no idea what it feels like to be rejected and condemned for being born, no idea what it's like to never be embraced, and no idea what it's like to experience rejection like none other in this world. But I cannot wait for the first opportunity to embrace a gypsy child. I know that in that moment, when I hold them(perhaps for the first time in their life!) we will have everything in common. We will both be who we are first and foremost in our lives, and who at are very roots were meant to be all along. A child of God, accepted and saved by the One who was rejected and condemned for us, embraced by the One who will never let that embrace go, and loved ultimately and wrecklessly by not just the God of America, but the God of ALL nations.

Apathetic

I think at times I'm apathetic.  There, I said it.  This question was posed to me this past Sunday morning by Phil in our One Way leadership meeting.  He asked us if we find ourselves being apathetic in our relationship with God.  I sat there for a moment trying to think it through...trying to think about how I could answer the question truthfully without giving myself away completely, trying to think if my life really is apathetic at times.  I said some things in the meeting as to why I feel like I am at times apathetic, but God has not let me forget that question all week.  I gave the standard answer that I'm apathetic at times because I'm just "too busy."  Let's be honest, that's a cop out.  I mean it's true at times, but I'm not near as busy as I make myself seem sometimes.

I also said in the meeting that I tend to get apathetic in my faith when God doesn't answer my prayers in a timely manner or a manner that I see fit.  That's true.  I guess I sort of feel like if He isn't dishing out blessings, then why does He deserve my time.  Wow...I suck at life sometimes.  But that's honestly how I feel at points in my life.

Lately I have noticed that at times I feel oppressed or seem to be in grouchy moods when I get around Christians who are truly experiencing God in huge ways.  Not that I don't experience God in cool ways, because I do.  I just always play the mind game of "Wow, God has blessed her with so much...why isn't that me?" or "Why does God not understand the urgency of my prayers for lost friends and family members...what is it going to take for Him to listen and change them!?" or "Why can't I experience God like they are?" 

I think my faith becomes apathetic when I am apathetic in seeking God.  Because in all reality, if I truly sought God on issues in my life, and gave Him consistent devotion in my life everyday rather than the time that's left over after my day, I wouldn't feel like He doesn't get me.  The issue is not that He doesn't get me, it's that I don't get Him.  I don't get that He has a perfect plan for me.  I don't get that His ways are perfect.  I don't get that He looks to POUR blessings on me.  I don't get that He adores me.  I don't get that He loves me more than anyone ever.  I don't get that He understands me in my weakest moments of life.  I don't get that He erased my mistakes past, present, and future.  I know all these things....yet it may take me the rest of my life to truly "get them." 

So having said all of that, I just really don't get why I'm apathetic, but I know that it's unacceptable and an epidemic in the Church of today.  What is it going to take for us to understand our apathy and take steps to change it?  He is our SAVIOR who gave His very life for our cause.  There is absolutely no room for apathy.  

Living for Forever in the Midst of Every Now

I feel like this weekend God has used a whole hodge podge of random things to teach me some gigantic lessons. I love it when God gets a hold of me like that. I love knowing that I'm worth so much and loved so much by Him that He is willing to take the time to teach me lessons. Even when they are super, super hard. There are several things in my life right now that God is working on. Some are very not fun. It's never fun when God points a finger at you and picks out your sin and presents it to you. I hate it. But I love it. Because I serve a God who loves me, and knows that I am called to so much more than the entanglement of myself and my sin.

Other lessons are completely and utterly amazing and life changing. In preparation for my Romania trip this summer, we had a meeting on Friday night and Brandon, the pastor, talked about us being a literal answer to prayers. That our team is a literal answer to prayers of the full time missionaries over there and of the Roma people whom we are going to serve. And that in turn, the Roma people are an answer to my prayer of asking for a way to serve over seas. It's amazing to think about how carefully God has orchestrated this trip, and more importantly, my life.

Even bigger than all of that is the fact that my God has entrusted me, a nobody, a complete zero compared to Him, with the job of taking the gospel to the nations and the people around me. That He has picked me to love the unlovable in Romania for maybe the first time in their lives. What an absolute priviledge! I am humbled by this idea, and trying hard to grasp the idea of all of that. Not even in Romania, but that everyday, He has entrusted me with being an example for Him and an ambassador of His grace and mercy. Who am I? Not worthy, that's for sure, but completely and utterly awe struck and in love with my Savior.

I am challenged in thinking about how I can live out this priviledge in my day to day life more often. I want to be a part of bringing Heaven to Earth. I want to be the glimpse of Jesus that people get to see, if even for just a second, or the smallest of things. I want to live for forever in the midst of every now.

Blind Faith

With my graduation from Illinois State rapidly approaching, it has come to my attention that it is time to start preparing myself for life after college. What a crazy thought! All I have ever known in life was going to school, having a part time job, and hanging with friends. Soon enough, however, I will enter the "adult" world at a rapid pace and be expected to swim and not sink. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a worrier. I will spend countless hours in bed at night worrying about nothing, and then worrying about worrying too much. It's not healthy, and has been something that God has been dealing with me about in the last few months. Seeing has how I'm a bonafied worrier, you would think this whole job hunt, planning my life thing would stress me out a little bit, but surprisingly I have a calmness within me that I can't really explain. (Don't get me wrong, if you talk to my roomates they will tell you it hasn't always been like this....I do seem to remember several occasions of complete and utter brokeness and tears last semester)

For some reason, every time I begin to worry about my life, I am reminded that I serve a completely sovereign God who has my best interests in mind. Is that crazy? Yes! Is it hard to believe and fathom at times? Of course! Is it true? ABSOLUTELY! People keep asking me what I'm doing after college and I honestly have no answers for that at all. I can't answer because I simply don't know. Here's what I do know.....I have a fabulous degree from a nationally respected program and university, my passion in life is students, and I love a great big ginormous God who is going to use those things to create a fabulous life for me. So am I stressed? At times..... Am I worried? At times.... But in the end I won't be anywhere but smack dab in the middle of where He wants me to be, and that my friends excites and exhilerates me. Sometimes the Lord calls us to take faith steps....and I am ready to step out onto the raging sea and into the arms of my sovereign Savior.

Being the Church in 2008

I just got home from Campus Crusade's Indianapolis Christmas Conference yesterday, and let me tell you, God totally blew me away with some of the things he taught me there! Most of what I learned at realized was just a hodge podge of things, and so I'm not sure if this blog will make sense, but I just really think it's worth sharing with ya'll.

The Lord challenged me this past week mostly with the urgency of reaching the lost. I know that sounds so cliche' but it's so true. Not even just with evangelism, but with digging into lives around me and impacting them for Christ's glory. On Saturday at the conference we got the chance to do street evangelism. Now, I know that this day in age "street evangelism" gets a bad rep, and that most focus is on relational evangelism. I'm usually in that camp. I can't really say that I get too "jazzed" when someone tells me I'm heading into the worst areas of Indianapolis to hand out food boxes to people and go door to door hoping to engage in spiritual conversations. It scares the crap out of me and I never get very excited. Nonetheless I always pray that God would use me in at least one person's life through the experience. Last year it happened. My friend Peter and I got to lead an 8th grade boy to Christ. It was amazing! This year I prayed the same thing....that God would pick out one person for me and my group to have a conversation with. God lead my friends, Douglas, Joe, Ruth-Anne, and I to a house in a seemingly scary neighborhood as usual. It had been a "dry" day. The boxes we had been pasing out were gone and at this point we were using surveys about the neighborhood to engage in conversations and they weren't going very well. We knocked on the door and a boy who was a Freshman in high school answered the door with about 10-15 of his friends who were the definition of rowdy. They were all watching football and the general atmosphere was crazy! We began asking him these survey questions to which we were getting half hearted answers at best. Until we asked if he desired to know God personally. When asked this, the kid got very serious and told us he did. So, my friend Douglas asked if we could come in. He said yes, and as I walked in I quickly noted the forsaken state of this teenager's existance. The house was run down and extremely dirty, clothes and old food littered what looked to be a living room,babies were running arond in nothing but a dirty shirt and diaper and there were about 8 teenage boys in the house left unattended with no adult in sight. We walked in and immediately I started praying for this teen as Douglas went through the gospel with him. As I listened to Douglas ask the boy questions and the boy giv answers, it was evident that he had no idea who Jesus was. Then, I watched as the power of the gospel took over this teenage boy who minutes before was nothing more than a smart alic giving bogus answers to a survey, to a boy who was realizing who Christ was, and that He cared for Him. Then,to my surprise the boy prayed to receive Christ right there before my eyes!!! It was te most amazing thing! I then talked to the boy and asked him if he was involved in a youth group and he told me no, but that there was one down the road he could go to. I quickly told him to go to that and explained that I was a youth leader and that I thought he would really enjoy it! As we left the house, I realized that my prayers had been answered. Once again my God had proved me wrong, and set my attitude and heart straight. Not only had He lead me to someone, but again, a teenager. God knows where my heart lies and used my passion in life to teach me the importance of evangelism in any aspect.

After we got back to the church we were partnering with in the evangelism efforts, we had a time of sharing what God had done through us that day with the other schools. One group told a story of a man who they talked to who told them that he had been sick and unable to attend church recently. Then he said something that I found so profound. "God knew I couldn't make it to church....so He sent the church to me!" I thought that was so awesome, yet something that I know doesn't happen that often. What would it look like in your life if you, the church, went to people more often!? What would it look like if we met people right where they were at? Isn't that our life's purpouse? One of the speakers had us right down people who we thought it was impossible for them to come to Christ....I wrote down 9 names, and all of them were members of my family. Two of them specifically that stood out to me have seriously messy circumstances in their lives. Sometimes even ignored by our own family because it's too hard to deal with or "they've made their own choices to be that way..." or "just don't get involved...you'll be better off if you stay out of it." Well I'm here to say that I'm sickof that excuse. They are still my family, they are still loved by the same God, and He will NEVER give up on them...so why should I? You see, I'm down right sick of the church not wanting to get their hands dirty in messy situations. From this point on it's my prayer that I go all in...that I sit smack in the middle of people's chaos, that I wipe mouths of dirty abandoned children, that I take food and the gospel to homes in bad neighborhoods, that I shower love and hugs to abandoned children and enslaved children in Romania, that I GET INVOLVED in the chaotic situations in my family, and that people's lives are bettered for it, but better yet that the power of God be displayed through it and that the church wakes the heck up to what's important. Let's get messy in 2008, Church...it's about time.

Fighting FROM Victory

I hate when ministry gets hard. More than anything in life, I hate when ministry becomes bogged down with legalism, gossip, untruths, and when Satan uses those things to attack an entire group of people who started out with the intention of doing kingdom things.

This is where I'm at right now. I'm stuck in a situation where Satan has used and is continuing to use the people in my campus ministry to tear each other down, gossip about each other, turn on one another, among other things. It just sucks. This is not what ministry is about! It's frustrating to watch as we cowar under the attack of the one who has ALREADY BEEN DEFEATED!!!! We fight FROM victory, not FOR victory. We already won this battle, so when will we say enough is enough to Satan and send him packing!? When will we realize that Satan WANTS us to leave when things get tough. He WANTS us to cowar under his evil schemes. He LOVES when we turn our backs on eachother. He is crafty in the ways he attacks. He LOVES division. He made deceit. He gets joy from gossip. And he gets points when we allow him to have a foothold....

Let's get serious ladies and gentleman. There is a spiritual battle raging at this very moment. What is it going to take for us to stand up, take notice, and tell Satan that enough is enough!? The time is now....let's do it already....

Life Is But A Breath, Don't Waste It

This past week has been one of many different emotions for the campus of Illinois State University, following the death of one of our peers in a train accident near campus. One of the students here was on his way to class and was hit by an Amtrak train, killing him and leaving the community with many unanswered questions about why it happened? Did he not see it? Etc.... You can imagine the rumors, the speculation, and the genuine sadness that is being felt by his family, peers, and even people who didn't know him at all.

I'm one of those people. I have no idea who he is, never seen him, run into him, spoke with him, etc., but I cannot get him out of my head. With every train whistle he comes to my mind and I'm absolutely heartbroken. Why is it? Is it the idea that I'm completely shocked by the tragedy? Yes...it is. But more than that, I'm struck with the idea that just like that, in an instant he was faced with eternity. He woke up that morning and had no idea what was going to happen to him that day and in a literal instant he was faced with the very real idea of eternity.

Now I have no idea where this guy stood spiritually, but I just know that it makes me want to share Jesus' love with every single person I meet. I hope that He knew the Lord, but if he did not, what if someone would have shared the gospel with him? We have no idea how the Lord could have worked in His life! So why don't we do it more often!? Life is so fragile. Not even just in the idea of sharing the gospel, but just realizing that OUR life is so fragile as well. That could have easily been me who walked over those tracks at the wrong time and faced with eternity. What would people be saying about me when I was gone? Will I have made an impact on my peers? Not just an impact of "Oh Amanda was a nice person..." But one that more importantly has an impact on the Kingdom! I want to leave an impact on this campus for Christ. I want people to know where I stand. I stand in Christ and Christ alone. I want every single person on this campus to know that and to more importantly understand that they too can stand in Christ alone as well. I want to leave this campus with no regrets. I want to know that I did what I could to reach lost students for Christ. I want every student to get the chance to hear and respond to the gospel. If not the gospel, then at least be able to tell that Christ lives within me and that my actions would reflect that to the people I come in contact with. That I would love the girls on my floor, that I would tell them to have a good day when I see them in the bathroom, that I would compliment someone in the elevator, that I would BE Jesus to the people I meet so that I know that I lived my life with no regrets.

So, no, I may not have ever met this student whose life we now look back on as a memory, but I do know that he has changed my life. I stand in Christ and Christ alone, and I live to speak of His fame to ANYONE and EVERYONE I meet. I will live my life with no regrets and live it for Kingdom things, that every student would know.....