Thoughts and Dreams of a Small Town Girl

2008-07-15T21:40:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone,So as many of you may know, in May I went on a mission trip to Tinca, Romania to do mission work with the gypsies there. In short, the gypsies are the most hated people group in Romania, not counted in the country's population, hated by the government, and considered the lowest form of life. (For more information please visit fmnministries.org) We went to show God's love to them, and show them Christ through our love, actions, and service. We had an amazing trip, and knew that lots was accomplished for Christ, however, we just received an email from Rachel, the leader of Forget Me Not Ministries, and our contact while in Romania, who told us what has been going on since we left Romania. It is amazing, and I'm blown away and in tears over God's goodness and faithfulness to the Gypsy people, and the way He used us to reach them....please enjoy this email!

Dear BrandonI wanted to give you a quick Tinca update. I think I told you, but afteryou all left, I received lots of feed back from the Gypsies and they kepttalking about how they saw that you all had "true faith in Christ," unlikethat of what they have in the village with their 2 Gypsies pastors. Rodica(one of our employees) began crying as she told me how moving it was to beable to watch the Jesus Film next to you all, and how everyone was cryingthe next morning about how you all simply rub their arm or back to comfortthem. Amazing how such simple touch and comfort would leave such animpression on them.In other news, regarding those some who gave their lives to Christ thatevening and others who are no longer putting up with the corruption oftheirchurches....there has been a group of 25 people begin meeting, praying,and worshipping together - a small church! They are ones who want the faiththat they saw in you all, and are longing for that closer relationship.Forthe moment, I have bought them a cd player and then I just purchase PastorCiuciui's sermon cds each week for them to listen to. Pastor is going tomeet with them soon to see about getting them a leader for their churchand several other issues, of course, that would need to be addressed. It'samazing to see God work in the village and cause a spiritual hunger sogreat among the people. It is a ripple effect of the impact that you all madewhile you were here!!I'll keep you updated as God contiues to blow our minds! Hope you and fuel are having an amazing summer and experiencing God's goodness!

Be blessed!

Rach

The "pastors" of the "churches" (I use that term loosely because of the corruption that goes on in the village between pastors and churches), are so corrupt that the people are fed up and ready to experience God at His very core and heart. They are taking it upon themselves to experience God for themselves in His true form! About 20 people accepted Christ on our last night there, and these people have continued to seek God and meet and pray together!! Starting a small church! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!

SHUT UP!!!! God used 126 college students to plant a church across the world!? Who even knew what an impact we would have on them? I am so humbled it is unbelievable...God has rocked my world from all I experienced from that trip already, and now this! I am continually blessed! And He chose ME to go and be His hands and feet for this purpose! Whatever!!! I don't even know what to say....but I am in awe. My God is amazing, although amazing seems insufficient to describe His magnitude and awesome power. I am continually amazed, blessed, humbled, and in awe of my Savior! The God of America, the God of Romania, and the God of the gypsies in Tinca! AMEN!!!!!

I Am A Dreamer

2008-07-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

If you're like me, you haven't ever really taken time to assess whether or not you know what an alabaster box is, let alone whether you have one, what it is filled with, or whose feet you will break it at. I have been challenged in the past 24 hours with thinking about those very things.

An alabaster box was something that in Jesus' day was purchased by a young girl's family when she reached the acceptable age of marriage. The box was then filled with precious ointments and the size of the box and value of the ointments inside would parallel the family's worth. The box was used as part of the girl's dowry and when a young man would ask for her hand in marriage, she would respond by taking the box and breaking it at his feet. This gesture showed the young man honor.

In Mark 14: 3-9, there is a lady, who is described as "A woman in the city who was a sinner," who took her alabaster box, broke it, and poured the valuable ointment on Jesus' head. She knew that He was worth that sacrifice. As it turns out, she was the one who had annointed Jesus' for burial! How amazing! All because she thought Him worthy enough to sacrifice her alabaster box, and her hopes of a future at His feet! She had dreams, and decided to sacrifice those dreams at His feet, knowing He was the only one who could make those dreams come true!

The above paragraphs were paraphrased from the book Lady In Waiting. At the end of this section, it goes on to ask what is in your alabaster box? Who are you running to that you think is worthy of breaking it for? Am I frantically searching for someone who I think is worthy of me breaking my alabaster box for?

I have dreams. A lot of them. In college I dreamt of getting out, finding a job, and being a successful adult. I am there. I dream of becoming a virtuous woman in God's sight. Am I there? No...but I can only hope I'm on my way. I dream of finding a godly man who I can share my dreams with. I dream of raising a family with him, and loving God together, and impacting His kingdom together for eternity. I dream of changing the world...even if it's in small ways...small greatness. I dream of every tribe, tongue and nation hearing the gospel and having the chance to respond to the Lord's calling. I dream of a Heaven I know nothing about, but have confidence I will one day experience because of my salvation in Christ. But more than anything I dream of the one and only Man who will ever validate me and give me worth, and the only one whose worthy of my alabaster box. His name is Jesus, and He is the only one who can possibly grasp the dreams of this dreamer, and the only one who CAN and WILL make them happen.

I can only know if I'm living my life with my alabaster box broken at Jesus' feet, if and only if I am living in wreckless abandonment to Christ. If I break the box of dreams open at the feet of my Lord, I can have full faith and confidence that He has each of my dreams in His hand, and is ready to rock my world with their answers. When will I realize this? When will I completely SMASH the box at His feet and let this beautiful process begin? When will I hand it all over and truly submit to the Lordship of my Jesus. I am just beginning to realize how truly freeing this can be, and loving it! I can only hope I can respond to difficult tasks and assignments from the Lord as Mary responded to the Angel upon being handed the most difficult task of all,

"I belong to the Lord, body and soul....let it happen as you say." (Luke 1:38)

God of the Nations

2008-04-25T00:38:00.000-07:00

Three weeks from today I will be in the air, on my very first plane ride, going around the world, to a gypsy village in Romania to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a people who may not even know He exists. Wow. I have so many emotions getting ready for this trip it's unreal. I had the initial excitement and anticipation, but currently I am a.) terrified to fly, and b.) just beginning to realize what I am about to do.

Why has the Lord chosen me, a total scrub, to be the one to go? The reality of that is mind boggling to me. Out of all the people in the world who could go to Romania and do the very same thing, He has hand chosen, before we were even born, that the 130 of us would travel to Romania to be Jesus to a lost, outcast, and desolate population of people. I am in awe.

I know I am so unprepared for what I am about to encounter and the reality of that is just hitting me. I have never ever experienced the extremity of the poverty I will encounter, the lack of hope I will encounter, the filth, the unjustice, or the screaming outcries of a population so desperately in need of a Savior, a Lover, a Friend, or a Comforter.

When I think about the children there, with parents who are just children themselves at 9-12 years old, who are left abandoned, abused, and neglected- my heart just aches. I know the picture I have in my mind at this moment, is not even close to what I will encounter, and yet I am still in awe that I get the privilege to experience it all.

I have nothing in common with a gypsy. I have no idea what their life is like, no idea what it's like to live like they do, no idea what it feels like to be rejected and condemned for being born, no idea what it's like to never be embraced, and no idea what it's like to experience rejection like none other in this world. But I cannot wait for the first opportunity to embrace a gypsy child. I know that in that moment, when I hold them(perhaps for the first time in their life!) we will have everything in common. We will both be who we are first and foremost in our lives, and who at are very roots were meant to be all along. A child of God, accepted and saved by the One who was rejected and condemned for us, embraced by the One who will never let that embrace go, and loved ultimately and wrecklessly by not just the God of America, but the God of ALL nations.

Apathetic

2008-04-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

I think at times I'm apathetic. There, I said it. This question was posed to me this past Sunday morning by Phil in our One Way leadership meeting. He asked us if we find ourselves being apathetic in our relationship with God. I sat there for a moment trying to think it through...trying to think about how I could answer the question truthfully without giving myself away completely, trying to think if my life really is apathetic at times. I said some things in the meeting as to why I feel like I am at times apathetic, but God has not let me forget that question all week. I gave the standard answer that I'm apathetic at times because I'm just "too busy." Let's be honest, that's a cop out. I mean it's true at times, but I'm not near as busy as I make myself seem sometimes.

I also said in the meeting that I tend to get apathetic in my faith when God doesn't answer my prayers in a timely manner or a manner that I see fit. That's true. I guess I sort of feel like if He isn't dishing out blessings, then why does He deserve my time. Wow...I suck at life sometimes. But that's honestly how I feel at points in my life.

Lately I have noticed that at times I feel oppressed or seem to be in grouchy moods when I get around Christians who are truly experiencing God in huge ways. Not that I don't experience God in cool ways, because I do. I just always play the mind game of "Wow, God has blessed her with so much...why isn't that me?" or "Why does God not understand the urgency of my prayers for lost friends and family members...what is it going to take for Him to listen and change them!?" or "Why can't I experience God like they are?"

I think my faith becomes apathetic when I am apathetic in seeking God. Because in all reality, if I truly sought God on issues in my life, and gave Him consistent devotion in my life everyday rather than the time that's left over after my day, I wouldn't feel like He doesn't get me. The issue is not that He doesn't get me, it's that I don't get Him. I don't get that He has a perfect plan for me. I don't get that His ways are perfect. I don't get that He looks to POUR blessings on me. I don't get that He adores me. I don't get that He loves me more than anyone ever. I don't get that He understands me in my weakest moments of life. I don't get that He erased my mistakes past, present, and future. I know all these things....yet it may take me the rest of my life to truly "get them."

So having said all of that, I just really don't get why I'm apathetic, but I know that it's unacceptable and an epidemic in the Church of today. What is it going to take for us to understand our apathy and take steps to change it? He is our SAVIOR who gave His very life for our cause. There is absolutely no room for apathy.

Living for Forever in the Midst of Every Now

2008-02-24T21:01:00.000-08:00

I feel like this weekend God has used a whole hodge podge of random things to teach me some gigantic lessons. I love it when God gets a hold of me like that. I love knowing that I'm worth so much and loved so much by Him that He is willing to take the time to teach me lessons. Even when they are super, super hard. There are several things in my life right now that God is working on. Some are very not fun. It's never fun when God points a finger at you and picks out your sin and presents it to you. I hate it. But I love it. Because I serve a God who loves me, and knows that I am called to so much more than the entanglement of myself and my sin.

Other lessons are completely and utterly amazing and life changing. In preparation for my Romania trip this summer, we had a meeting on Friday night and Brandon, the pastor, talked about us being a literal answer to prayers. That our team is a literal answer to prayers of the full time missionaries over there and of the Roma people whom we are going to serve. And that in turn, the Roma people are an answer to my prayer of asking for a way to serve over seas. It's amazing to think about how carefully God has orchestrated this trip, and more importantly, my life.

Even bigger than all of that is the fact that my God has entrusted me, a nobody, a complete zero compared to Him, with the job of taking the gospel to the nations and the people around me. That He has picked me to love the unlovable in Romania for maybe the first time in their lives. What an absolute priviledge! I am humbled by this idea, and trying hard to grasp the idea of all of that. Not even in Romania, but that everyday, He has entrusted me with being an example for Him and an ambassador of His grace and mercy. Who am I? Not worthy, that's for sure, but completely and utterly awe struck and in love with my Savior.

I am challenged in thinking about how I can live out this priviledge in my day to day life more often. I want to be a part of bringing Heaven to Earth. I want to be the glimpse of Jesus that people get to see, if even for just a second, or the smallest of things. I want to live for forever in the midst of every now.

Blind Faith

2008-02-06T08:29:00.000-08:00

With my graduation from Illinois State rapidly approaching, it has come to my attention that it is time to start preparing myself for life after college. What a crazy thought! All I have ever known in life was going to school, having a part time job, and hanging with friends. Soon enough, however, I will enter the "adult" world at a rapid pace and be expected to swim and not sink. If you know me at all, you know that I'm a worrier. I will spend countless hours in bed at night worrying about nothing, and then worrying about worrying too much. It's not healthy, and has been something that God has been dealing with me about in the last few months. Seeing has how I'm a bonafied worrier, you would think this whole job hunt, planning my life thing would stress me out a little bit, but surprisingly I have a calmness within me that I can't really explain. (Don't get me wrong, if you talk to my roomates they will tell you it hasn't always been like this....I do seem to remember several occasions of complete and utter brokeness and tears last semester)

For some reason, every time I begin to worry about my life, I am reminded that I serve a completely sovereign God who has my best interests in mind. Is that crazy? Yes! Is it hard to believe and fathom at times? Of course! Is it true? ABSOLUTELY! People keep asking me what I'm doing after college and I honestly have no answers for that at all. I can't answer because I simply don't know. Here's what I do know.....I have a fabulous degree from a nationally respected program and university, my passion in life is students, and I love a great big ginormous God who is going to use those things to create a fabulous life for me. So am I stressed? At times..... Am I worried? At times.... But in the end I won't be anywhere but smack dab in the middle of where He wants me to be, and that my friends excites and exhilerates me. Sometimes the Lord calls us to take faith steps....and I am ready to step out onto the raging sea and into the arms of my sovereign Savior.

Being the Church in 2008

2008-01-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

I just got home from Campus Crusade's Indianapolis Christmas Conference yesterday, and let me tell you, God totally blew me away with some of the things he taught me there! Most of what I learned at realized was just a hodge podge of things, and so I'm not sure if this blog will make sense, but I just really think it's worth sharing with ya'll.

The Lord challenged me this past week mostly with the urgency of reaching the lost. I know that sounds so cliche' but it's so true. Not even just with evangelism, but with digging into lives around me and impacting them for Christ's glory. On Saturday at the conference we got the chance to do street evangelism. Now, I know that this day in age "street evangelism" gets a bad rep, and that most focus is on relational evangelism. I'm usually in that camp. I can't really say that I get too "jazzed" when someone tells me I'm heading into the worst areas of Indianapolis to hand out food boxes to people and go door to door hoping to engage in spiritual conversations. It scares the crap out of me and I never get very excited. Nonetheless I always pray that God would use me in at least one person's life through the experience. Last year it happened. My friend Peter and I got to lead an 8th grade boy to Christ. It was amazing! This year I prayed the same thing....that God would pick out one person for me and my group to have a conversation with. God lead my friends, Douglas, Joe, Ruth-Anne, and I to a house in a seemingly scary neighborhood as usual. It had been a "dry" day. The boxes we had been pasing out were gone and at this point we were using surveys about the neighborhood to engage in conversations and they weren't going very well. We knocked on the door and a boy who was a Freshman in high school answered the door with about 10-15 of his friends who were the definition of rowdy. They were all watching football and the general atmosphere was crazy! We began asking him these survey questions to which we were getting half hearted answers at best. Until we asked if he desired to know God personally. When asked this, the kid got very serious and told us he did. So, my friend Douglas asked if we could come in. He said yes, and as I walked in I quickly noted the forsaken state of this teenager's existance. The house was run down and extremely dirty, clothes and old food littered what looked to be a living room,babies were running arond in nothing but a dirty shirt and diaper and there were about 8 teenage boys in the house left unattended with no adult in sight. We walked in and immediately I started praying for this teen as Douglas went through the gospel with him. As I listened to Douglas ask the boy questions and the boy giv answers, it was evident that he had no idea who Jesus was. Then, I watched as the power of the gospel took over this teenage boy who minutes before was nothing more than a smart alic giving bogus answers to a survey, to a boy who was realizing who Christ was, and that He cared for Him. Then,to my surprise the boy prayed to receive Christ right there before my eyes!!! It was te most amazing thing! I then talked to the boy and asked him if he was involved in a youth group and he told me no, but that there was one down the road he could go to. I quickly told him to go to that and explained that I was a youth leader and that I thought he would really enjoy it! As we left the house, I realized that my prayers had been answered. Once again my God had proved me wrong, and set my attitude and heart straight. Not only had He lead me to someone, but again, a teenager. God knows where my heart lies and used my passion in life to teach me the importance of evangelism in any aspect.

After we got back to the church we were partnering with in the evangelism efforts, we had a time of sharing what God had done through us that day with the other schools. One group told a story of a man who they talked to who told them that he had been sick and unable to attend church recently. Then he said something that I found so profound. "God knew I couldn't make it to church....so He sent the church to me!" I thought that was so awesome, yet something that I know doesn't happen that often. What would it look like in your life if you, the church, went to people more often!? What would it look like if we met people right where they were at? Isn't that our life's purpouse? One of the speakers had us right down people who we thought it was impossible for them to come to Christ....I wrote down 9 names, and all of them were members of my family. Two of them specifically that stood out to me have seriously messy circumstances in their lives. Sometimes even ignored by our own family because it's too hard to deal with or "they've made their own choices to be that way..." or "just don't get involved...you'll be better off if you stay out of it." Well I'm here to say that I'm sickof that excuse. They are still my family, they are still loved by the same God, and He will NEVER give up on them...so why should I? You see, I'm down right sick of the church not wanting to get their hands dirty in messy situations. From this point on it's my prayer that I go all in...that I sit smack in the middle of people's chaos, that I wipe mouths of dirty abandoned children, that I take food and the gospel to homes in bad neighborhoods, that I shower love and hugs to abandoned children and enslaved children in Romania, that I GET INVOLVED in the chaotic situations in my family, and that people's lives are bettered for it, but better yet that the power of God be displayed through it and that the church wakes the heck up to what's important. Let's get messy in 2008, Church...it's about time.

Fighting FROM Victory

2007-12-04T23:09:00.001-08:00

I hate when ministry gets hard. More than anything in life, I hate when ministry becomes bogged down with legalism, gossip, untruths, and when Satan uses those things to attack an entire group of people who started out with the intention of doing kingdom things.

This is where I'm at right now. I'm stuck in a situation where Satan has used and is continuing to use the people in my campus ministry to tear each other down, gossip about each other, turn on one another, among other things. It just sucks. This is not what ministry is about! It's frustrating to watch as we cowar under the attack of the one who has ALREADY BEEN DEFEATED!!!! We fight FROM victory, not FOR victory. We already won this battle, so when will we say enough is enough to Satan and send him packing!? When will we realize that Satan WANTS us to leave when things get tough. He WANTS us to cowar under his evil schemes. He LOVES when we turn our backs on eachother. He is crafty in the ways he attacks. He LOVES division. He made deceit. He gets joy from gossip. And he gets points when we allow him to have a foothold....

Let's get serious ladies and gentleman. There is a spiritual battle raging at this very moment. What is it going to take for us to stand up, take notice, and tell Satan that enough is enough!? The time is now....let's do it already....

Life Is But A Breath, Don't Waste It

2007-10-29T20:33:00.001-07:00

This past week has been one of many different emotions for the campus of Illinois State University, following the death of one of our peers in a train accident near campus. One of the students here was on his way to class and was hit by an Amtrak train, killing him and leaving the community with many unanswered questions about why it happened? Did he not see it? Etc.... You can imagine the rumors, the speculation, and the genuine sadness that is being felt by his family, peers, and even people who didn't know him at all.

I'm one of those people. I have no idea who he is, never seen him, run into him, spoke with him, etc., but I cannot get him out of my head. With every train whistle he comes to my mind and I'm absolutely heartbroken. Why is it? Is it the idea that I'm completely shocked by the tragedy? Yes...it is. But more than that, I'm struck with the idea that just like that, in an instant he was faced with eternity. He woke up that morning and had no idea what was going to happen to him that day and in a literal instant he was faced with the very real idea of eternity.

Now I have no idea where this guy stood spiritually, but I just know that it makes me want to share Jesus' love with every single person I meet. I hope that He knew the Lord, but if he did not, what if someone would have shared the gospel with him? We have no idea how the Lord could have worked in His life! So why don't we do it more often!? Life is so fragile. Not even just in the idea of sharing the gospel, but just realizing that OUR life is so fragile as well. That could have easily been me who walked over those tracks at the wrong time and faced with eternity. What would people be saying about me when I was gone? Will I have made an impact on my peers? Not just an impact of "Oh Amanda was a nice person..." But one that more importantly has an impact on the Kingdom! I want to leave an impact on this campus for Christ. I want people to know where I stand. I stand in Christ and Christ alone. I want every single person on this campus to know that and to more importantly understand that they too can stand in Christ alone as well. I want to leave this campus with no regrets. I want to know that I did what I could to reach lost students for Christ. I want every student to get the chance to hear and respond to the gospel. If not the gospel, then at least be able to tell that Christ lives within me and that my actions would reflect that to the people I come in contact with. That I would love the girls on my floor, that I would tell them to have a good day when I see them in the bathroom, that I would compliment someone in the elevator, that I would BE Jesus to the people I meet so that I know that I lived my life with no regrets.

So, no, I may not have ever met this student whose life we now look back on as a memory, but I do know that he has changed my life. I stand in Christ and Christ alone, and I live to speak of His fame to ANYONE and EVERYONE I meet. I will live my life with no regrets and live it for Kingdom things, that every student would know.....

Chasing Jerusalem

2007-09-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been spending a lot of time looking at the life and ministry of Jesus through the gospel accounts. Mainly my thoughts have been focused on the gospel of John, as Campus Crusade is studying that as a group this semester. However, this past Sunday, I got the chance to do something I don't normally get to do, and attend the college service of Eastview Christian Church, Fuel. Fuel is one of the most thriving college ministries in the area, drawing hundreds of students from the Normal area, and I love it! Brandon Grant, the college pastor, is one of the most dynamic speakers I have ever listend to, and really draws you in with his passion and insight. This week was no exception.

As we dove into the scriptures, we took a look at the life of Jesus through the eyes of Luke. As we looked at Jesus, we discussed the idea of how Jesus was put on this earth for a purpose, to do the work the Father sent Him to do, and ultimately in the end be our sacrifice. That's it. His whole life was dedicated to His people and then showing His ultimate love, dying on the cross for the very same people. He was chasing after Jerusalem. We talked about what it must have been like for Him. He was the most popular and talked about guy of the time. People knew Him. I guess you could say He was a pretty Big Deal. People quickly got wind of who He was, Healer, Lover, Friend, Miracle Worker. EVERYONE wanted attention from Him. Imagine what it must have been like for Him!! Everyone was vying for the attention of Him. Now obviously Jesus couldn't heal everyone who asked Him to. He had to turn people down. Is this the Jesus you always picture? It wasn't for me, and to quite honest was challenging for me to think about. However, He was chasing after Jerusalem, the reason why He was on the Earth to begin with. He was on a mission, to fulfill the purpose He was called to. He couldn't be distracted. He spent the time He was given carefully and in accordance with the will of His Father.

This got me thinking, what is my Jerusalem? What is the purpose that the Father has put me on Earth for? Am I being too distracted by the demands of everyday life to hear the voice of God telling me of my Jerusalem?

If you know me, you know that this semester is totally crazy for me. I have a TON going on, and I have asked for prayer numerous times that I would be able to handle what is demanded of me and not spread myself too thin, but isn't that what's wrong!? We are so distracted and refuse to say "no" as Jesus sometimes did in order to figure out our true Jerusalem in our lives. At Fuel we were challenged to figure out what our Jerusalem was and seriously pray to it's realization. Mother Theresa's Jerusalem was loving people, Martin Luther King's Jerusalem was ending racism, etc, etc.

The more I think and pray about it, I feel like my Jerusalem is loving and ministering to students. I have a heart and desire to invest the life the Lord has given me to having students be my Jerusalem. It's a crazy thing to think about just 7 months shy of graduating from college. The beginning of the rest of my life starts now. How will I spend my time? How will I spend my life? Will it make a difference? Will I have the discernment necessary to say yes when it counts and no when it doesn't? What is my TRUE Jerusalem?

What is your true Jerusalem? Search it out, chase after it, and pray to it's realization....

The Day the Music Died

2007-09-06T22:29:00.000-07:00

I'm a music lover. If you know me, you know that my idea of a good time is sitting at my computer with a cup of coffee while searching for new and random bands on either Myspace or PureVolume. I love the talent, thought, sincerity, and the sheer rawness of lyrics. There is, in my mind, nothing more intriguing than getting a glimpse at someone through the lyrics they write. Someone who writes lyrics is writing them because the lyrics mean something to them. The words they are writing are more than just words. They are perhaps a look into someone's private life, an expression of how they feel after an amazing day, the sheer daze of new love, the thoughts they have on life and all that comes with it, or maybe even a cry for help. No matter what though, the person writes them because in that moment they are expressing how they feel in arguably one of the most raw and surrendered forms.

The same is true for Christians. We sing worship songs to our God to express our love to Him, our abandonment, our struggles, our gratitude, our sheer amazement at Him and His works, among other things. In the moments we spend in musical worship to our God, we are, just like a writer of lyrics, expressing our thoughts and feeling towards God in the most raw form. Or are we? Do we even think about the words we are singing? Or are we too wrapped up in the sweet guitar riffs, whether or not there is the use of drums or not, whether the music accompanying our heart songs to our Creator is to our liking or not?

Recent circumstances have lead me to believe that corporate worship has totally distorted our view of what real, raw, genuine worship really is. Too often when people think worship, they think music and song. It is so much more than that! It can be words you speak to people, the work you do on a daily basis, the way you talk to people, ANYTHING pleasing to our God! It frustrates me when people get uptight about music and whether or not the worship services they attend and the music behind the lyrics to the songs they sing "ushers them into worship." Don't get me wrong, I do totally believe that a person can be ushered into worship depending on the types of music being played in a worship service, it just frustrates me when the music becomes a hindrance and distraction to genuine worship.

Tonight at a worship service I attended, the sound system decided not to work and the lead guitarists string broke. When he realized it, he tried to play the strings he had left in an attempt to keep the worship service going. It ended up just sounding distorted and awful, until finally he looked at the guitar, then shrugged his shoulders, looked towards the sky and closed his eyes in surrender to the Lord. Around the room the singing kept on in the most beautiful acapella voice, people were lifting their hands towards Heaven, and had eyes closed in focus of God. No one even cared or realized what was going on. It was to me, one of the most amazing and beautiful times of worship I have ever experienced. There was no music, no sound system, no fancy lights or glitz, just God's children offering their voices and hearts to the one that created them.

What I'm trying to get at is, God doesn't care in what form you worship Him. He doesn't care whether or not there is a guitar, or drums, or tambourines, or clapping, or no clapping, or dancing, or hand raising or no hand raising. He cares about our hearts and whether or not the words we are singing and the ways we worship Him are genuine. I don't think broken sound systems and guitar strings are coincidental. I think that's God's way of telling us to pay attention. To realize that the lyrics we sing go far beyond music of any form. They are fragrant and cherished offerings to our Father, the ultimate audience.

Belief Makes Things Real

2007-08-05T22:17:00.000-07:00

Before I had this blog, I used to blog things on my Xanga. Nothing usually of too much importance. Just mostly the details of my days through my early years of college, with an occasional "deep" thought or two thrown in every once in awhile. I haven't checked my Xanga since like October (there was a time when I would check multiple times a day to see who commented on my posts) but tonight I went back and read through some of my old entries just for fun. In doing so, I came acrossed an entry from last summer, where I had written about how astounded I was in the amount of money raised in such a short time for the new student ministry building at NCBC. At that point in time, a student ministry building at NCBC was just a thought. A mere blue print and congregational business meeting farther than the dream that it sprang from.

Tonight was the first night of our vacation Bible school, and as I sat in the very building that I talked about just a year ago with high hopes, I was completely amazed. Granted, it was so hot, the building is nothing more than boards with a roof over them and some windows, it was dusty, and very far from being complete, but still....it was a dream. A dream that started with people who believe in students and the ministry they are a part of. It's so crazy for me to think about how much has happened in the year since the congragational vote approved to build the building. At the end of last summer, I was leaving behind the junior high ministry, going to college, and taking a break from student ministry for awhile because the commute back from school was seemingly "impossible." However, God proved otherwise and has blown me away with giving me a position with the high school students this past year.

You see, my passion is students. I believe in them so much. Not just in who they will become, but who they are at this very moment in their lives. For me it's not about them being the future of the church. They ARE the church, and in my opinion the very essence of the body of Christ. It does my heart so much good to see them engaging with who God is, what it means to be a part of His kingdom, and what plans He has for them not only in their own lives but in the ways their lives will touch others around them. I just love thinking about the fact that I was a student just like them not all that long ago. Thank God people believed in me and the things I could do in God's kingdom, otherwise I don't know where I would be right now! Thank God the people at New Castle believe in students as well. I look forward to the years to come and the students who walk out of that building, and the ways the world will be different because they were believed in.

Garth Brooks and God's Timing

2007-07-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

Since coming home this past weekend, I have had tons of oppurtunities to reunite with my friends from home and catch up on all of the happenings of the summer. Last night was no exception. My best friend Emily and I ended up hanging out and talking until 3 am about anything and everything, including reminiscing about our high school days and the fun we had with our group of friends, where we think everyone will end up, etc.

At one point in our conversation, we started talking about situations in our life that we for sure thought we had figured out and prayed about for so long, only to find out that God had completely different plans for us. We began talking about one point in our life where we both were going through similar situations and how much we prayed about it and were convinced God was so with us in the plans we were making for ourselves, only to be totally disappointed when He basically slammed the door right in our face. I then made a comment about how at one point I had prayed about a situation I was convinced was right for me for almost 2 years until God showed me why it could never work. As we both kinda talked over that for awhile, I became so thankful that God lead me out of that situation. SO THANKFUL! I then told Emily that it's just like that song by Garth Brooks. Now, don't go getting all "she's so back woods" on me yet. Just hear me out.... I don't know how many of you have ever heard that song, "Unaswered Prayers," but if you haven't, look it up, download it (legally of course), buy the CD, something. It's basically about this guy who ends up at a hometown football game with his wife and sees his old high school girlfriend there and as the song progresses, he talks about how thankful he is that he is with his wife instead of his high school girlfriend. The part of the song that is so great is the chorus. It goes, "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs...just because he doesn't answer, doesn't mean he don't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unaswered prayers." I've been thinking about this the past 24 hours and it just came up again in another conversation with a friend about how happy we are looking back on situations that God lead us out of when we thought they were so the right thing for us.

I think God is really trying to break me of this really bad habit I have of trying to plan out my life and conniving and maneuvering myself into a position to succeed according to my standards and not His. It's been a hard lesson to learn. There has been a lot of pain and initial hurt that has come along with it, but there is always, always a lesson to be learned out of it as well. I'm learning to embrace the beauty and the mystery that it is to let God take the wheel. As my mom would say, "When you let God drive, you better buckle up." That's so true. Why do I think I need to "help" him plan my life? Why do I think I need to tell him where I'll work? Why do I think I need to tell him who "the one" for me is? Why do I think I need to tell him how and where I'm going to get the money to pay off my college debt!? He has it under control, and when I let go and let God, I am NEVER let down. I'm always pleasanlty surprised and it's such a beautiful thing. God has his divine hand in EVERY aspect of ALL of our lives. It's time to live amongst the unaswered prayers in our lives and embrace what it means for us to live fully in His plan.

I Will Never Be the Same

2007-07-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

In just a little over 48 hours I will be packing my stuff up and heading back home after arguably one of the BEST summers I have ever had. As I'm winding down with my internship, saying goodbye to friends, creating my portfolio for my class, etc. There have been a lot of questions asked of me: Are you sad to go? Are you ready for school to start? What was your favorite part of this summer? What did you learn that will be valuable for you after graduation? What do you think you will do after graduation? While all of these questions are good, and I appreciate the enquiry of friends and family, I think it's fair to say that what I have come away with after this summer cannot and will not ever be able to be summed up in just these typical random questions.

The things that I've taken away from this summer have changed me as a person. They have challenged the way I think, the way I live, the way I see myself, the way I treat people, and have taught me about the woman I'm becoming and want to ultimately be.

I know in my previous post I talked about how ready I was to come here and be changed and I expected that to happen. I knew and expected God to move in my life and change me while I was here, but to be honest was not looking forward to leaving this amazing experience and facing what I had left at school the previous semester. At our final staff celebration at Merge last week I shared some of this and shared that each person in that room had shown me a little bit more about who I am and what I want to become, and I totally mean that. I have realized through people I work with, people I've become friends with, and ultimately through God, what my purpose in His kingdom is and how he is shaping me into a woman He is going to use to further it.

I was asked in an email this past week from a friend where I thought I would be at this time next year. For the first time in my life I honestly couldn't answer the question. For the first time ever I am completely open to whatever the Lord may have for me and to be quite honest that's a scary feeling and realization. All I know is that I want so badly to be in His will and to be completely and utterly transformed by His power in my life. I want to be a woman who lives with wreckless faith and abandonment to His will, whether that means surrendering my future plans, my dream job, who I'll marry, etc. I want it all in His hands.

So, am I sad to see this end? Yes. Am I sad to leave the people I've met? OF COURSE! Am I ready for the upcoming school year? Absolutely. Where do you think you'll be after graduation? I have no idea, and I'm ready for God to show me. What have you taken away from your internship this summer? Things that have changed my life. I will never be the same.

Solitude and Realization

2007-06-26T20:24:00.001-07:00

I feel like the solitude and challenge of this summer has been exactly what my soul has needed for quite some time. The last half of last semester was arguably one of the absolute worst times of my entire life for many different reasons. I was so ready to get to the suburbs, start my internship, and deal with God in some areas of my life and get things figured out for myself. I needed time to heal, to be away from everyone and everything and just....be.
Over the course of the last 6 or so weeks, I have learned what it means to rest in, trust in, and set my sites on things that actually matter. I have been filled to the brim with joy that can only come from my Heavenly Father after a time when I didn't know if I would ever feel that same joy again. I have learned what it means to be reliant on Him and Him alone in EVERY situation, not just the ones where I am found desperate. I have experienced a peace and a calmness in my heart over issues and challenges that I thought I could and would never come to terms with. I have experienced just a taste of an amazing intimacy with a Savior who has stood by me through all of this with open arms.
But through all of this I have come to realize that I have been the most selfish person. I have made everything "my issues" "my feelings" "my heart" "my drama" "my emotions" "my life," when none of this matters in the end anyways. After Awake this past weekend, our Junior High event, I have learned that the Christian life and just life in general is about so much more than me. In fact it's not about me at all. It's about living a life that is worthy of the title, "Christian" or "Little Christ." It's about loving those around me with a love similar to that of the Father. It's about dying children and families in Africa who have been struck by the AIDS epidemic. It's about millions all over the world who still, to this day are bound by the chains of slavery. It's about the largest genocide in human history taking place in Darfur. It's about lost friends and family that I see everyday and don't say a word about Christ to. It's about 200 junior high students dancing and praising God for the wonderful works He has done in their lives. It's about the youth of today rising up and bringing justice, peace, and love to a lost and dying world. It's about becoming a woman who lives life with wreckless abandonment and child like faith. It's about being worthy of the title "Child of God." It's about being content with who He has made me to be, and using that to accomplish great things and further His kingdom.
It never should have been about me, and I hope it never is again....

This Is New for Me.....

2007-06-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

So, I've been a pretty avid blogger in the past. However, my blogging usually consisted of Xanga posting nightly about the happenings of my days all through my early years of college. I've decided that these days there are far too many thoughts running through my head then to just let them rot in my brain. I might as well share them in a more "sophisticated arena" such as this blogspot! I look forward to sharing my thoughts and dreams with you along the way!